Odamari!

Take away the sadness, sorrow and pain.

The pain of knowing a simple truth you have ignored or failed to recognize for the longest time. The sadness felt upon realizing that the truth will stab your heart for a third time. The sorrow felt when everything, is failing.

Take away the selfishness, hatred and regret.

Take away the hardship, sweat and tears.

You, who have been eternally walking on endless rain. Cleanse your heart with hope. For tomorrow, you must help yourself through. The torrent of painful drops may be hard to conquer, but know that all things must come to an end.

It is, however, either the rain, or your life.

The endless rain has forsaken you on this path.

So you must choose.

To forget or To love in vain.

To save your self or To conquer your heart.

To lose her or To lose yourself.

Let your tears be caught by the endless rain. It should make you feel better, at least for tonight.

Quezon City.

A land of toxic smog, unmerciful robbers, and of course, home. Even if its a piece of it. I really haven’t step inside ‘Home’, but I’m in the city since this afternoon.

I’m getting sick and tired of Los Banos. I needed this weekend, even if I have a lot of things to take care of. I needed this night, with friends, happy and drinking. I needed this night away from my Oz.

Of course, tomorrow, I return to my new prison. I need to finish some things I left behind. Then I need to face the next two weeks all by myself. No friends. No family. Just me, and my laptop.

But tonight, even if it is just a piece of home, I’m contented. Because tonight, I get to forget everything that is trying to kill me.

I had it coming, really. Me, who should never open his mouth. Me, who suffered the most out of the playful teasing. Me, who got hit where it really hurts.

Yes, I was a little bit frustrated that it didn’t go the way it planned. And I denied it too much too. But you didn’t have to hammer it in. Maybe you took amusement in my seemingly predictable act of denial? Maybe. But you should really know, it hit me where it hurts.

But then you wouldn’t stop. You really like teasing me, because what the hell, I really like teasing you to. But you know my sourgrape limit right? You knew it. Yet you went on and on. Until it got me thinking, that all of what you said was true.

I’m jealous. I’m afraid. I’m bitter. She doesn’t love me, yet you still hammer that fact down my heart. Why? I don’t know. Sweet revenge? Maybe. You had your laugh at it. I had mine. Then, when it got foul, I wasn’t laughing anymore.

You really know how to annoy me, do you? Because, more often than not, this semester, whenever we have this types of conversations, I always end up getting annoyed. It’s in the way you talk, the way you act, and the way you try to press a long dead issue.

Then I know the script after this. We’ll talk again. Because we’re such good friends. Then you will point out to me that everything is my fault. “Now you know how I feel when you tease me”. I bet you will say that. I can predict it a mile away.

But if we’re such good friends, at least on my perspective, why do you insist on pressing my buttons?

And the saddest part about all of this, is that you will never say you were sorry.

You never did.

Because everything was my fault.

Everything.

Even when you hit me where it hurts.

Me, who is trying. Me, who is still fighting. Yet, it is me who is still losing to the world. Why do I fight such a losing battle? Why do I proceed to kill myself for it? Me, who is trying, just a little bit, is expecting a silver lining somewhere. Anywhere.

So, my silver lining to the tragedy, where art thou? Have you abandoned me yet again? Has my luck, if I ever had one, run out? Even for just a little bit of peace, shall you not grant? Is this your desire, to enslave me forever with my misery?

And now, when I needed you the most, you have disappeared.

Maybe, for just a little bit, I should disappear too?

I don’t get it. Not even a little bit.

You, who remains a mystery in my mind, what really makes you tick? After all this time that we have conversed, I am still at awe on how you confuse me with your actions. Your pattern is in such disarray that I fail to follow your tendencies. Then, towards the breaking point, I give up, but again, you won’t let me.

We have had a rather long but short history together. We never really did talk before. Perhaps I never did notice you at first. Well, you were really small. How can I? Kidding aside, I managed to get close to you a few years later. How it happened, is still a wonderful mystery to me. It happened so fast that I don’t really got the chance to analyze it further.

You were wonderful. You talked about everything as I listened. We have spent hours and hours conversing about the past, the present, and the future. You really liked talking about yourself, that sometimes never really trying to listen. But I didn’t mind. I like to listen.

A torrent of emotional moments brought us closer. You shared your problems with me. You confided into me, that at that point on, I really wanted to wipe your tears away. I wanted to protect you and your heart from the pain that you were feeling that time. I really did. At first, it was just an act of chivalry. I was your close friend, and hated to see you crying.

One thing led to another, then I found myself falling for you. It was probably for a reason that would not consecrate love in its purest form. Maybe I just wanted to be with you, every step of the way, as you try to unravel your truth and heal your pain. I wanted to hold your hand, and be able to tell you that “It’s fine, I am here.”

But you never did let me. You thought I was a too good of a friend but pretty awful of a potential lover. I never had the looks, nor the talent as him. Nothing compares to your attraction to him. I think you really did love him. But you were unsure of things. Plus the fact that there are things in your way, needless to say, your case to him is as hopeless as mine to yours.

I self-destructed after that. Your decision (or indecision) had me pinned down in an emotional turmoil. I resented you. I ignored you. I threw our friendship away. During those time, you were somehow desperately trying to get me back. After all, I was a good friend to you. But I didn’t budge. The issue blew over, and we found ourselves not even mentioning each other’s names to our friends for months.

It was back to zero for me. I practically threw out our friendship because you couldn’t even consider me as a potential lover. I was selfish and unstable. I hated myself for what I’ve done.

I actually revealed my feelings to you by means of a cowardly handwritten letter. It was then that I confirmed everything — you never thought about me ever, at all. I felt that you shrugged my feelings because you don’t want it. For me, that is worse than a rejection. It was the lowest form of rejecting: by ignoring it.

But at that point, I never looked behind. I was moving forward my own way, with you not in it. I was never enthusiastic about being close to you again. I sometimes don’t reply to your messages. I say a casual hello when the rare occasion that I see you, but then, that’s it. Awkwardness was everywhere when we talk in person. So I avoid it at all costs.

It is better this way. In this way, I can easily try to move forward. We could still be friends, casually, but we have to admit that we can’t go back to the things we were before.

Because if we did, I might find myself falling for you again.

And would still continue figuring you out.