Odamari!

I found myself crying to sleep last night.

It was one of those nights that I couldn’t sleep. A lot things ran through my head that time, which prevented me from relaxing. I had a lengthy conversation with my friend from highschool, in which she told me the things she is going through since her boyfriend is currently far away. She was in pain, so I was there to comfort her. She just needs to believe in their love, I said to her. But then a flash of loneliness struck my heart.

I was alone that night. I ate dinner with my friends, you know, the usual, but then I head home to my apartment and tried to get some much deserved rest. It was ironic, since it was a Sunday, so I should be resting, but luck is not on my side. The moment I woke up, I was messaged by my boss in one of my projects, and told me to go to the office. This wasn’t necessarily bad, since it somehow relieved me that my boss still acknowledges me as his subordinate, no matter how crappy my module was made. One thing lead to another, and so comes the night where I was craving for a good power nap. But I didn’t get to do it.

I went online immediately as I got home, and saw that my classmate was on. I wanted to talk to her since our last meeting on Friday. I wanted to apologize to her, because somehow I felt I wronged her in more ways than usual. I must have said a lot of things during our programming sessions, which made her apparently annoyed by my presence the past few days prior. We had a quick conversation, but quite enlightening, because she accepted my apology and made me realize my mistakes.

All through the night, I was self litigating myself, and my actions during the course of my life, which made me feel sorrowful. I tried escaping the thoughts by finishing Scrubs Season 6. I had a few laughs, and a few tears, which is fairly common for a very good series (I would recommend you watching it).

But then it came back to me. While having that lengthy conversation with my highschool friend, I found myself feeling very very lonely. Then before I knew it, I was pouring all my sadness on her. She didn’t mind. She was a very good listener after all. She was very good in fact, that it made my friends who I usually confide into, pretty bad listeners. I lamented the fact that even though God was offering Himself, I was not seeking Him, for I am seeking something else. I sought comfort through her, and gladly gave me what I needed that night — a friend who can just listen to everything, a friend who won’t judge my outbursts, a friend who won’t tell me everything is okay even though its really not (I really hate that, by the way), a friend who won’t cut me off in the middle and tell me to sleep on it.

She gave me one sentence of comfort: “I hope you find what you are looking for.” That is enough comfort that should last me for months.

I reflected a lot more, then I cried. I shed tears equal to months worth of depression and stress. Because all this time, I was escaping my sadness. Sometimes, a good cry can release the stress, the depression, the anguish and the pain.

The morning that followed, I was streaming memorable scenes from Scrubs in Youtube, and found a quote said by the protagonist J.D. during his narration:

“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves. That is why if you have actually found someone you care about, it is important to let go of the little things. Even if you can’t let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.”

Exactly my sentiment to the emotional outburst the night prior. Exactly why I cried myself to sleep. Because no matter how many people are around me — friends, family, acquaintances — once you still feel alone, something is not right. Something is missing. And the that feeling really sucks.

So, am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life?

No idea.

But for now, I’m all alone.