Odamari!

27 days.

27 days is all that is left until my inevitable encounter with fate. Will I graduate or not? Will I get to finish my Special Problem in time? No idea. Absolutely no idea.

September 22, after all, is the day my diligence will be measured and my dedication will be judged. On that day, everything will be said about me. It is the deadliest of deadlines for everything Computer Science stood for in my life.

But still, admist the panic that is brewing in my heart, I feel that everything will be all right. That if things go extremely awful, I still have something to back it up. But the least I could do is not to quit. I will never quit.

At least, I must not quit.

Even if it means exchanging my life, my friends, my sanity, for that fucking diploma.

Something happened along the way.

I really don’t know what it was, but I was sure there was some sort of misguided feelings that led me to do what I did. It was a mixture of annoyance, irritation, and jealousy that eventually triggered the switch that made me move away from you. At that time, when things between us (if there was something, a friendship at least?) are starting to fall apart due to my lack of participation, I felt it was the right thing to do.

Everything came crashing all of a sudden. That something between you and me disappeared. Again, it was my fault. I could have saved it, but I didn’t. You didn’t know me well enough to understand that it was my predictable impulse that pushed you away. That’s right. I pushed you away, whether you acknowledge it or not.

Then I threw away everything we had.

Those days with endless (and quite meaningless) conversations about everything and nothing at all; Those moments we laughed at things I can’t really remember; Those times that you saved me from my depression; Everything, I pushed away. Everything is now just a memory in the past, in which we can’t go back to.

We never did talk about it. I really didn’t think we should’ve. I wasn’t surprised on how quickly you have moved on. Because I did. I moved on immediately after I realized there is no going back.

So why do I write here, now, to you, about you and about what’s left of us? Maybe its the part of me that is guilty for throwing away a good friendship over little meaningless things. Maybe its the part of me that cherishes the good times and misses it so much that it hurts my head.

And maybe because I think I once liked you. I tried my best not to, but I guess I wasn’t very honest to myself. So I self destructed. I was trying to see if somehow, a chance of you liking me back would be possible, but everything pointed to the contrary. So I sulked even more. To the point that I found some things about you that irritated me.

It wasn’t fair, to you, and for that I sincerely apologize. For everything that had happened. For the inconvenience it brought you. For losing a very good friendship in the end. You had no fault in all of this. It was just me who is awful in keeping people close.

I don’t expect you to forgive me (or to talk to me again, or to even read this entry).

All this commotion, only because something happened along the way.