Odamari!

Take away the sadness, sorrow and pain.

The pain of knowing a simple truth you have ignored or failed to recognize for the longest time. The sadness felt upon realizing that the truth will stab your heart for a third time. The sorrow felt when everything, is failing.

Take away the selfishness, hatred and regret.

Take away the hardship, sweat and tears.

You, who have been eternally walking on endless rain. Cleanse your heart with hope. For tomorrow, you must help yourself through. The torrent of painful drops may be hard to conquer, but know that all things must come to an end.

It is, however, either the rain, or your life.

The endless rain has forsaken you on this path.

So you must choose.

To forget or To love in vain.

To save your self or To conquer your heart.

To lose her or To lose yourself.

Let your tears be caught by the endless rain. It should make you feel better, at least for tonight.

I had it coming, really. Me, who should never open his mouth. Me, who suffered the most out of the playful teasing. Me, who got hit where it really hurts.

Yes, I was a little bit frustrated that it didn’t go the way it planned. And I denied it too much too. But you didn’t have to hammer it in. Maybe you took amusement in my seemingly predictable act of denial? Maybe. But you should really know, it hit me where it hurts.

But then you wouldn’t stop. You really like teasing me, because what the hell, I really like teasing you to. But you know my sourgrape limit right? You knew it. Yet you went on and on. Until it got me thinking, that all of what you said was true.

I’m jealous. I’m afraid. I’m bitter. She doesn’t love me, yet you still hammer that fact down my heart. Why? I don’t know. Sweet revenge? Maybe. You had your laugh at it. I had mine. Then, when it got foul, I wasn’t laughing anymore.

You really know how to annoy me, do you? Because, more often than not, this semester, whenever we have this types of conversations, I always end up getting annoyed. It’s in the way you talk, the way you act, and the way you try to press a long dead issue.

Then I know the script after this. We’ll talk again. Because we’re such good friends. Then you will point out to me that everything is my fault. “Now you know how I feel when you tease me”. I bet you will say that. I can predict it a mile away.

But if we’re such good friends, at least on my perspective, why do you insist on pressing my buttons?

And the saddest part about all of this, is that you will never say you were sorry.

You never did.

Because everything was my fault.

Everything.

Even when you hit me where it hurts.

Me, who is trying. Me, who is still fighting. Yet, it is me who is still losing to the world. Why do I fight such a losing battle? Why do I proceed to kill myself for it? Me, who is trying, just a little bit, is expecting a silver lining somewhere. Anywhere.

So, my silver lining to the tragedy, where art thou? Have you abandoned me yet again? Has my luck, if I ever had one, run out? Even for just a little bit of peace, shall you not grant? Is this your desire, to enslave me forever with my misery?

And now, when I needed you the most, you have disappeared.

Maybe, for just a little bit, I should disappear too?

I found myself crying to sleep last night.

It was one of those nights that I couldn’t sleep. A lot things ran through my head that time, which prevented me from relaxing. I had a lengthy conversation with my friend from highschool, in which she told me the things she is going through since her boyfriend is currently far away. She was in pain, so I was there to comfort her. She just needs to believe in their love, I said to her. But then a flash of loneliness struck my heart.

I was alone that night. I ate dinner with my friends, you know, the usual, but then I head home to my apartment and tried to get some much deserved rest. It was ironic, since it was a Sunday, so I should be resting, but luck is not on my side. The moment I woke up, I was messaged by my boss in one of my projects, and told me to go to the office. This wasn’t necessarily bad, since it somehow relieved me that my boss still acknowledges me as his subordinate, no matter how crappy my module was made. One thing lead to another, and so comes the night where I was craving for a good power nap. But I didn’t get to do it.

I went online immediately as I got home, and saw that my classmate was on. I wanted to talk to her since our last meeting on Friday. I wanted to apologize to her, because somehow I felt I wronged her in more ways than usual. I must have said a lot of things during our programming sessions, which made her apparently annoyed by my presence the past few days prior. We had a quick conversation, but quite enlightening, because she accepted my apology and made me realize my mistakes.

All through the night, I was self litigating myself, and my actions during the course of my life, which made me feel sorrowful. I tried escaping the thoughts by finishing Scrubs Season 6. I had a few laughs, and a few tears, which is fairly common for a very good series (I would recommend you watching it).

But then it came back to me. While having that lengthy conversation with my highschool friend, I found myself feeling very very lonely. Then before I knew it, I was pouring all my sadness on her. She didn’t mind. She was a very good listener after all. She was very good in fact, that it made my friends who I usually confide into, pretty bad listeners. I lamented the fact that even though God was offering Himself, I was not seeking Him, for I am seeking something else. I sought comfort through her, and gladly gave me what I needed that night — a friend who can just listen to everything, a friend who won’t judge my outbursts, a friend who won’t tell me everything is okay even though its really not (I really hate that, by the way), a friend who won’t cut me off in the middle and tell me to sleep on it.

She gave me one sentence of comfort: “I hope you find what you are looking for.” That is enough comfort that should last me for months.

I reflected a lot more, then I cried. I shed tears equal to months worth of depression and stress. Because all this time, I was escaping my sadness. Sometimes, a good cry can release the stress, the depression, the anguish and the pain.

The morning that followed, I was streaming memorable scenes from Scrubs in Youtube, and found a quote said by the protagonist J.D. during his narration:

“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves. That is why if you have actually found someone you care about, it is important to let go of the little things. Even if you can’t let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.”

Exactly my sentiment to the emotional outburst the night prior. Exactly why I cried myself to sleep. Because no matter how many people are around me — friends, family, acquaintances — once you still feel alone, something is not right. Something is missing. And the that feeling really sucks.

So, am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life?

No idea.

But for now, I’m all alone.