Odamari!

I don’t get it. Not even a little bit.

You, who remains a mystery in my mind, what really makes you tick? After all this time that we have conversed, I am still at awe on how you confuse me with your actions. Your pattern is in such disarray that I fail to follow your tendencies. Then, towards the breaking point, I give up, but again, you won’t let me.

We have had a rather long but short history together. We never really did talk before. Perhaps I never did notice you at first. Well, you were really small. How can I? Kidding aside, I managed to get close to you a few years later. How it happened, is still a wonderful mystery to me. It happened so fast that I don’t really got the chance to analyze it further.

You were wonderful. You talked about everything as I listened. We have spent hours and hours conversing about the past, the present, and the future. You really liked talking about yourself, that sometimes never really trying to listen. But I didn’t mind. I like to listen.

A torrent of emotional moments brought us closer. You shared your problems with me. You confided into me, that at that point on, I really wanted to wipe your tears away. I wanted to protect you and your heart from the pain that you were feeling that time. I really did. At first, it was just an act of chivalry. I was your close friend, and hated to see you crying.

One thing led to another, then I found myself falling for you. It was probably for a reason that would not consecrate love in its purest form. Maybe I just wanted to be with you, every step of the way, as you try to unravel your truth and heal your pain. I wanted to hold your hand, and be able to tell you that “It’s fine, I am here.”

But you never did let me. You thought I was a too good of a friend but pretty awful of a potential lover. I never had the looks, nor the talent as him. Nothing compares to your attraction to him. I think you really did love him. But you were unsure of things. Plus the fact that there are things in your way, needless to say, your case to him is as hopeless as mine to yours.

I self-destructed after that. Your decision (or indecision) had me pinned down in an emotional turmoil. I resented you. I ignored you. I threw our friendship away. During those time, you were somehow desperately trying to get me back. After all, I was a good friend to you. But I didn’t budge. The issue blew over, and we found ourselves not even mentioning each other’s names to our friends for months.

It was back to zero for me. I practically threw out our friendship because you couldn’t even consider me as a potential lover. I was selfish and unstable. I hated myself for what I’ve done.

I actually revealed my feelings to you by means of a cowardly handwritten letter. It was then that I confirmed everything — you never thought about me ever, at all. I felt that you shrugged my feelings because you don’t want it. For me, that is worse than a rejection. It was the lowest form of rejecting: by ignoring it.

But at that point, I never looked behind. I was moving forward my own way, with you not in it. I was never enthusiastic about being close to you again. I sometimes don’t reply to your messages. I say a casual hello when the rare occasion that I see you, but then, that’s it. Awkwardness was everywhere when we talk in person. So I avoid it at all costs.

It is better this way. In this way, I can easily try to move forward. We could still be friends, casually, but we have to admit that we can’t go back to the things we were before.

Because if we did, I might find myself falling for you again.

And would still continue figuring you out.

Something happened along the way.

I really don’t know what it was, but I was sure there was some sort of misguided feelings that led me to do what I did. It was a mixture of annoyance, irritation, and jealousy that eventually triggered the switch that made me move away from you. At that time, when things between us (if there was something, a friendship at least?) are starting to fall apart due to my lack of participation, I felt it was the right thing to do.

Everything came crashing all of a sudden. That something between you and me disappeared. Again, it was my fault. I could have saved it, but I didn’t. You didn’t know me well enough to understand that it was my predictable impulse that pushed you away. That’s right. I pushed you away, whether you acknowledge it or not.

Then I threw away everything we had.

Those days with endless (and quite meaningless) conversations about everything and nothing at all; Those moments we laughed at things I can’t really remember; Those times that you saved me from my depression; Everything, I pushed away. Everything is now just a memory in the past, in which we can’t go back to.

We never did talk about it. I really didn’t think we should’ve. I wasn’t surprised on how quickly you have moved on. Because I did. I moved on immediately after I realized there is no going back.

So why do I write here, now, to you, about you and about what’s left of us? Maybe its the part of me that is guilty for throwing away a good friendship over little meaningless things. Maybe its the part of me that cherishes the good times and misses it so much that it hurts my head.

And maybe because I think I once liked you. I tried my best not to, but I guess I wasn’t very honest to myself. So I self destructed. I was trying to see if somehow, a chance of you liking me back would be possible, but everything pointed to the contrary. So I sulked even more. To the point that I found some things about you that irritated me.

It wasn’t fair, to you, and for that I sincerely apologize. For everything that had happened. For the inconvenience it brought you. For losing a very good friendship in the end. You had no fault in all of this. It was just me who is awful in keeping people close.

I don’t expect you to forgive me (or to talk to me again, or to even read this entry).

All this commotion, only because something happened along the way.